Heaven's Door Foundation

January 25, 2009:

Lately I’ve felt like the old movie “Meet John Doe”, wanting to commit suicide because, like him, “I protest against the state of civilization”. I have come so close to suicide and last week actually attempted (sleeping pills). But I felt guilt (my parents said it was a sin). Being an ovarian cancer and breast cancer survivor; I know how to fight. But now, my body and mind are so tired that I have wanted to give up. Christmas was hard and with the stress, I am sick again and worried about coming out of remission. Yes, if I knew that suicide is considered a refusal of life, I would have gone willingly and long ago.

So, I’m sitting here today, watching Gary Cooper and Barbara Stanwyck in “Meet John Doe”. I have been evicted from my home, the home I worked hard to live in. I worked my way up, from coming to SF while battling cancer with 3 suitcases and no home to renting a beautiful two story home on top of the mountain in Sausalito with a view of Richardson Bay. Now, I am in the garden apartment of a dear friend of mine who has love in her heart; otherwise I would be homeless right now. I have fixed it up and my 2 little dogs and I are grateful for a roof over our head. I am watching the first part of the movie and here is the letter that was written on behalf on John Doe (and Jane Doe):

“Four years ago I was fired out of my job. Since then I haven’t been able to find another one. At first I was sore at the state administration. I thought it was because of the slimy politics, that we have unemployment here. But it seems the whole world is going to pot. So on Christmas Day, I am going to commit suicide by jumping off of City Hall roof. John Doe.”

Boy, isn’t that timely. I’ve felt the same. In November, the day before election, I made the decision to not tolerate my boss constantly cursing and screaming at me and the rest of the employees and gave my resignation. Yes, some say in this economy you should put up with anything to keep your job. But when you’re constantly screamed the “F” word, your spirit gets wounded and you want to give up. I have looked everywhere for a job. I have been in accounting and HR for almost 20 years and believed that I could find another job. I’ve sent out hundreds of resumes through Craigslist and nothing. I have signed up to Career Builder, Monster, Yahoo/Hot Jobs. Nothing. I have joined and spent hundreds of dollars in parking fees to visit recruiters in SF such as Kelly Law Registry, Accountants Inc., Nelson and Associates, Premier Staffing. Money I didn’t have, but sold things from my home to do so. Still nothing. I have re-acquainted with other recruiters, such as Robert Half, CV Partners, Volt Services, Management Resources, Wollberg Michelson, Kforce, Parker Lynch and many others. Nothing.

Despite my illness and going through a divorce because my husband couldn’t deal with my illness, I have always worked when I could. Even going to the hospital to get a boost and then back out to working again. I have been on disability a few times, but got back out there when I felt better, not wanting to be a burden to society; not going to live with my family because I didn’t expect them to take care of me. I even started 2 nonprofits: Heaven’s Door to help single women dealing with cancer and Evans Relief for people dealing with catastrophes. But I have felt like a failure because I can’t support those I love to help.

But now, because my last job rejects my unemployment, I have not received any income. Upon my eviction notice, I sold nearly everything in my home. What I didn’t sell, I gave away because that is what we are supposed to do: help each other in this time, no matter what we are going through. Clothes, furniture, dishes, whatever you have extra, give it to someone who needs it

.

But today, I am watching this movie and the letter above and the following speech has touched my heart. It coincides with what our new President is asking us to do as a people. (Please remember this was filmed in the 1930’s, but it applies to all people – Jane and John Does)

“Ladies and gentleman, I am the man you all know as John Doe …I took that name because it seems describe the average man and that’s me.

“…I am going to talk about us, the John Does…the average John Doe is ...Mr. Big and Mr. Small…He’s simple and he’s wise. He’s inherently honest but he’s got a streak of larceny in his heart. He seldom walks up to a public telephone without shoving his finger in the slot to see if somebody left a nickel there. He’s the man the ads are written for, he’s the fellow everybody sells things to. He’s…the world’s greatest stooge and the world’s greatest strength.

“Yes sir, we are a great family…we are the meek who are supposed to inherit the earth. You’ll find us everywhere. We raise the crops, we dig the mines, work the factories, keep the books, fly the planes and drive the buses. And when a cops yells “Stand back there you,” [they mean] us. We existed since time began. We built the pyramids, we saw Christ crucified; pulled the oars for Roman emperors, sailed the boats for Columbus…froze with Washington at Valley Forge. Yes sir, we’ve been in there dodging left hooks, since before history began to walk…And in our struggle for freedom and we’ve hit the canvas many a time, but we always bounced back, because ‘We’re the people’ and we’re tough!

“They’ve started a lot of talk about free people (US) going soft; that we can’t take it. That’s a lot of hooey. (We) can beat the world at anything from war to Tiddly Winks if we all pull in the same direction!

“I know a lot of you are saying ‘what can I do? I’m just a little punk, I don’t count’. But you’re dead wrong. The little punks have always counted. Because in the long run, the character of a country is the sum total of the character of its little punks. But we’ve all got to get in there and pitch; we can’t win the ball game unless we have teamwork, and that’s where the every john does its up to him to get together with his teammate...and your tam mate iss his next door neighbor. . he’s a terribly important guy he’s going to need you and you’re going to need him …so look him up…It’s up to us to get together ..with the guy next door. If he’s sick, call on him. If he’s poor, feed him. If he’s out of a job, FIND HIM ONE.

“To most of you, your neighbor is a stranger. A guy with a barking dog and a high fence. You can’t be a stranger to somebody who is on your own team. So tear down the fence that separates you. Tear down the fence and you’ll tear down a lot of hate and prejudices. Tear down all the fences in the country and you really have teamwork. You’re saying ‘He’s asking for a miracle to happen. He’s expected people to change all of a sudden.’ You’re wrong; it’s no miracle…I see it happen once every year at Christmas time. …Why can’t that same spirit of Christmas last the whole year around? If it ever did, if each and every John Doe makes that spirit last 365 days a year, we would develop such a strength; we would create such a tidal wave of goodwill that no human force could stand against us.”

“The meek can only inherit the earth when the John Does start loving their neighbor. You’d better start right now. Don’t wait ‘til “game is called on account of darkness”. Wake up, John Does. You’re the hope of the world.”

I am sending this to every newspaper and radio station and TV station. Watch the movie, let it inspire you. Pass this (non-chain) letter to your friends on Myspace, Facebook. Do what you can; even if it is once a week. This is not about politicians and what they can do for us. This is not about our ego and having a front to uphold. We are our own hope. And the hope of the world. - January 25, 2009.

Nearly a year later:

On January 26, 2009, the day after I wrote this, I was hospitalized. I was diagnosed as having metastatic carcinoma near my spine, so I decided (as Dylan Thomas quoted) to “not go quietly into that good night”, forget about suicide and fight.

My doctor told me I must go on disability. So on a friend’s invite, at the end of February, 2009, I moved to Springfield, MO and extend Heaven’s Door Oncology & Wellness Foundation there. As of October, 2009, we provide a respite from medical settings, chemotherapy and radiation treatments; to provide a retreat for adult and pediatric patients dealing with cancer.

With my disability money, I found a beautiful home in the Historic District of Springfield to open to my cancer friends. Missouri State University Interior Design students helped me renovate it. The community started donating their time, from therapists to counselors. Even the radio and TV stations became involved. From being evicted, I now have a nearly furnished home that I can open to other cancer patients.

Now we hold "Ladies' Spa Days" consisting of oncology spa treatments, wig “beauty classes” and high teas or educational luncheons; Since there is an in-ground pool, we will hold "Kids Pedia-therapy Days" for leukemia and lymphoma patients and their parents (including pool parties in the summer!). We are working with the local cancer centers: St. John’s Cancer Center, Cox Health Hulston Cancer Center and St. Jude’s as well as Community Hospice.

Not everything is crazy easy. The grant company I used has disappeared with my money. I am still trying to make sure I can keep it open. But there is a reason my life has been extended one more year. I sometimes want to give up, but I keep on going because of the John Doe’s in this world. Please keep what is considered “passe” movement going. It will keep our hope alive.

Love,

Daphne